I Love You…Conditionally.

To my beautiful couples, I know you mean well, but please stop saying in your marriage vows, “I promise to love you unconditionally.”

While ‘unconditional love’ (*said as though it’s floating on a cloud) sounds ideal, romantic, and oh-so-whimsical… it ain’t healthy, people!

What’s My Problem?

For me, I’m just not sure I buy it when it comes to romantic relationships. I clearly have some beef with the term and think it sounds like a ‘get out of jail free card.’

Everyone has needs. It’s super important to recognise this because I think many of us can overlook this most basic reality, so I will say it again: everyone has needs. It’s normal, it’s okay, it’s a good thing, and we should really know what ours are. If you have forgotten what yours are (hello empaths), dig deep, they’re lying dormant somewhere inside of you.

Healthy relationships require respect for each other’s boundaries, aka ‘conditions.’ My concern with someone promising ‘unconditional love,’ while I know they always mean well (because writing vows can be hard), is that we imply a self-sacrificing kind of love, the “I will love you no matter what,” which could imply accepting problematic or harmful behavior.

And it’s okay, it’s not your fault. We are kind of conditioned in society to use the term and not really think about it. If I wasn’t a Marriage Celebrant, I probably wouldn’t have thought twice about the phrase, but after hearing it so many times, it did kind of get me thinking, “…Erhm, I’m not too sure about that, I reckon romantic love is pretty conditional.”

Hear me out. While I know your partner and the majority of guests listening to your wedding vows would not be thinking about this, because the intention behind the phrase is well-meaning, I think it’s important to be realistic, true, and considered with what you do say… if not in your marriage vows, then when?

Conditional Love

I mean, would you really continue to love your partner if you found out something devastating or horrible? It’s subjective, right? I suppose you could say…conditional.

My personal belief is that unconditional love can only exist between a parent and child; however, even philosophers debate this, stating that even the love between a parent and a child can fall short of unconditional. A parent might love their child no matter what they do, but this love still has a condition: They love their child because their child is theirs.

I Asked Myself...

Would I continue to love my husband if I found out he was a murderer or rapist (sorry hubby… that’s an extreme example, but I’m trying to make a point)? Honestly, probably not. Would you? I can still love what we would have had or created, but the reality would have inevitably changed.

Would I be able to continue to love my husband if I discovered he was cheating on me, had gambled away our life savings, or had done anything to break the trust in our relationship? Honestly, I am not sure. There would have to be one hell of a strong commitment to change and mountains of work that would need to be put in to rebuild the trust!

Would I continue to love my husband if he became a shell of himself, never left the house, and lost the zest to live life? I don’t know. If I didn’t, it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t stand by and support him.

Reality Check

The reality of love is that it grows and shifts over time and is totally conditional! It changes in part because people change. It can also fade through no fault of anyone involved. It can also grow, flourish, and be stronger than ever.

So I implore you to think meaningfully about your words, your vows, your conditions. Heck, the marriage act clearly states: ‘Marriage, according to the law in Australia, is the union of two people to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into for life.’ I mean, that sounds like a pretty strong condition, right? ‘…to the exclusion of all others…for life!?’ So take this as your permission to be clear on your conditions.

Don’t go in blindly, without thought, promising to love your partner unconditionally, because I just don’t think it’s true.

Meaningful Vows

Here are some examples of vows you could both be making instead:

“I promise to stand by you in times of hardship, to fight for our relationship, and to put in any work required in times of need so our relationship can flourish and grow”.

“I promise to honour you, to believe in the best, and to encourage you throughout this life of ours”.

“I come here freely, promising to love you in marriage, until we are old and gray”.

“Together, we have built a relationship and life on trust, honest communication, and fun. I promise to preserve, protect, and honour our foundations so we can continue to have the most magical life possible”.

So tell me (well, DM me)… what are your marriage conditions? What do you need, want, and expect from your partner, and what does your partner need, want, and expect from you? What are your trust-breakers? Note, I didn’t say deal-breakers as trust can be built back up over time…for some. Do you have deal-breakers?

Hot Tip:

You should be talking about this stuff. It’s important, it’s for life. Your marriage and overall well-being will thank you.

Hot Take:

- It’s important to recognise the difference between love, forgiveness, and continuing to accept harmful behaviours. You can love someone without staying with them unconditionally if it’s detrimental to you or your families well-being.

- Conflict is normal and healthy in relationships. It’s about how you deal with your conflict that’s important.

- Healthy relationships involve honesty, trust, respect, compromise, and open communication from both people. There is no imbalance of power. You rely on each other for mutual support but maintain your identity as a unique individual. Your self-esteem doesn’t depend on them.

- As Maury Povich would say (hello 90’s and 00’s kids), “Take care of yourself, and each other”.

Thanks for reading.

Would you like some help writing your vows?

Get in touch with Marry Me Michelle, Sydney Wedding Celebrant to schedule in your own personalised vow writing workshop.