Opinion Piece: How to Not Write a Shitty Wedding Speech

This face. You want to avoid this.

More a list of what not to do's, if anything

Time and time again, I am constantly perplexed as to how many people miss the mark when it comes to writing and delivering a good wedding speech. From someone who has married over 200 couples, I can count on one hand the number of weddings where ALL the speeches were genuinely wonderful. And yet it always comes as a surprise to me when people mess it up so badly… Which has precisely prompted me into writing this very article titled, “How Not To Write A Shitty Wedding Speech.”

Let’s just get straight into it, shall we?

Know Your Purpose

When writing a wedding speech, you need to think about purpose. What is the intention of your words and the story you tell? In my opinion, if your story doesn’t serve as a comedic ice-breaker, or if it doesn’t come around full circle to highlight a value, virtue, or positive trait of the person that is relevant to them now on their wedding day or for their marriage moving forward, then you need to question why you are telling it.

To Be Funny or Not to Be Funny?

That is the question. For me, the best speeches are purposeful and nail that balance of light-hearted humour mixed with emotion and sentimentality. The problem is, so many people miss the mark when it comes to adding humour to their speech because humour is totally subjective. Someone who thinks they are being funny in their speech can unknowingly come across as rude, out of touch, or even mean!

Adding in a funny story or a light-hearted dig can work if the theme of the story is universally funny or the trait being highlighted is known by the majority of guests. In saying this, I strongly encourage any joke or dig to be followed up by a whole bunch of genuine words of kindness and well-wishes. 

Hot tip: Unless you can nail the delivery and master the balance of delivering light and shade, just steer clear of it.

To the Friends Making a Speech…

Shock horror, but your friend’s wedding, I repeat – wedding (the event where they have found their love and life partner), well, this is truly not the event to bring up past relationships. Just do not go there. It is not funny anymore… and I am not sure it ever was. It is 99.99% of the time completely cringe-worthy. It’s a hard no from me. Avoid.

Now is also not the time for inside jokes that serve no purpose. While the small amount of you may smile and laugh, the rest of the attendees will just be sitting there wondering what that was all about. Now is also not the time to be mean to your friend, thinking that you are being funny. There is a difference between having a light-hearted dig and it bordering on ‘mean.’ If you aren’t sure of this difference, you should definitely just say nice things. Share stories that are lovely or serve a purpose highlighting something positive that is relevant to them today. Just ask yourself, would I like this said about me at my wedding?

Don’t try to be someone you are not when making a speech. It is completely okay to keep things short and sweet. I think far too many people overlook keeping their words modest. There is value and positivity in simplicity.

To the Parents Making a Speech…

While we all know that this is your child, your forever baby to whom you’ve loved and raised, and while we all know you have 1000+ stories of them to share and while we all know this is undoubtedly a very special, emotional, and significant day for you just as it is for them, your wedding speech is not the time to rattle off their lifetime achievement awards, resume, or little random anecdotes that you just want to tell (I’m sorry, I know that seems harsh, because as a parent, you deserve the air time, but your child’s wedding day is not about you, it’s about them).

Time and time again, I’ve heard parents tell random stories from when their child was little, only to watch them get confused at the end of the story as to why they were telling it in the first place. They are the kind of stories where guests are sitting blank-faced, forcing smiles out of politeness, making eyes at each other, sipping their drinks, and waiting for it to be over…kind of like an awkward gyno appointment (minus the drinks!).

Or worse, time and time again parents feel the need to rattle off their child’s lifetime achievements without following it up with a value of how proud they are of them.

Here’s an example to highlight my point above.

Shitty Wording:

“Sarah has achieved a lot in her life. When she was little she got into rep netball and represented various clubs at state level. She also got into state competitions for swimming and excelled at that. She later went to high school and finished her HSC with top honours to later become a marketing manager. She then…”

Yeah, you get my drift right? It’s boring reading it, it’s boring listening to it. And I have been to many a wedding where parents literally list everything their child has done.

 While you could say that being proud is implied by mentioning a list of achievements, I think unless you say it, it just feels like you’re at CV memorial.

Better Wording:

“Sarah, watching you grow has been one of my greatest joys. Your journey from excelling in rep netball and swimming at state level to graduating with top honours in marketing speaks volumes about your dedication and drive. These qualities have shaped you into the remarkable person you are today. As you embark on this new chapter in your marriage, I know these traits will serve you well. Although, I must admit, I’m a bit concerned that your impressive organisational skills might lead to a very meticulously planned yet humorously rigid household—let's hope David is ready for that level of precision!”

This version highlights achievements, attributes, feelings and includes a playful dig. Again, just remember ‘the why’ to your words and let that be known.

And Lastly, to the Couple Getting Married…

Don’t ask people to make a speech if you know they aren’t comfortable, confident or good at making speeches. Think about your speakers and if they bode well under the influence of alcohol (most weddings have alcohol these days, kids). Too many times, nervous speech-givers have a drink or five to calm their nerves only to butcher the whole thing. Choose wisely and if in doubt, send them this article.

Don’t…

- Tell random little anecdotes that don’t make sense.

- Tell in-house jokes that the majority won’t get.

- Bring up any past relationships.

- Ask people who are bad at making speeches to make a speech.

Do…

- Tell a story, funny or not, that highlights a positive trait, value, or virtue about that person/couple. Think about how that trait, value, or virtue is relevant to them now and how it might be helpful for them in their marriage moving forward.

- Cater to the majority; think about your guests' experience hearing your speech.

- Practice reading your speech out loud (very important) and print your speech on paper in large font (avoid reading from a device).

- Remember that short, sweet, and kind is a recipe for success.

Thanks for reading my Ted Talk.

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